I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
