Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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