how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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