Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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