Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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