Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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