1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
