I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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