so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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