Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize