She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
