We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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