so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
