i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
