We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize