shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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