and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
