You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
