physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
