my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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