How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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