dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's blow job season.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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