the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize