I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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