NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
