I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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