Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
