Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
