drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
