she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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