i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
