i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
