Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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