Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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