The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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