I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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