im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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