I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
