I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
