i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
