what day is it and did you see me today?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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