just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
