I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
