Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
