eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
