Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
