Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
