just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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