I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
