just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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