Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
