ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
