Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize