i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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