I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
