i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
