How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
