He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
