he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
