How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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